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I wrote this yesterday

I don't have the courage to die, I'm a coward 
I don't have any more faith left in me to have faith in someone else 
I have tried, and tried
And somewhere in the midst of all these endless attempts 
I've died.

Have you ever felt like you deserved more than you already have
As if you're busy taking on all the challenges and pains of everyone around you. *sigh* 
   
Like the world owes you for the brutality and heartaches miseries and all the evil things you've experienced up until now 
But everytime some little bit of sunlight slips in
A greater dark cloud absorbs it away
"born fresh to suffer"
Never expecting, never deserving
And all else believe and think you've matured from all the childish happy things 
But that is not it, right? You've been made so weak by situations around you that you put up walls 
Protecting you from everything even the happiness thats's meant to be
Because you know...
It isn't. 

But we are fed- lies and poetry
So to the poet 
That never wrote himself a poem
The lover boy
Too engulfed by love to love himself
To the girl always seeking love
With no intention to give it
To the dog that never stood guard
And left his masters' house in ruin
To the sister i lost, to whom my heart longs
She who lived enough to decide
To you, reading this in hopes you find relevance
Yet still you look at me differenltly 
To me, the boy who never had confidence
And yet expect enough of a world to bow 
It is but a poem in the coming of spring
In hopes of more winter.
Where is the love that i have dreamt
Where the hopes of a childish heart soft enough to be naive
can i love you forever
and you yes, knowing forever only lasts so long

you have experience
your heart has been bruised before 
and yet you hope only to return the pain
causing even more pain
...
 Can you love me
again i ask
forever?
Say ray, yes
and my naive little heart
will jump only to those words
forgetting how much of a lie they are...

but im afraid to die
Im a coward with a long history of emotional brutality
and yes if i could...
i would slit my own throat right at the edge of a cliff
for i am broken, battered and squeezed into God only knows what
a mere reflection of a loveless past.

Love me...
and i will forget i never loved myself
...









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